We South Indians are a funny lot. Every two decades or so, our taste in education changes. Forty years ago, we all wanted to be stenographers. There was a joke about ordering for a new stenograph machine every time a Southie baby was born (we only laughed because we wanted the job). Twenty years ago all of us wanted to pursue engineering. Now, after graduation every Southie kid wants to do an MBA (that’s right, I pronounced it MBA and not Yam-b-Ya like some of you think we do).

When Northie kids are growing up they think of acting with Katrina Kaif or batting with Dhoni. Southie kids grow up dreaming of getting an MBA in Finance and managing Katrina’s or Dhoni’s portfolio. We can’t help it. That’s just the way we think. We are brought up in an environment conditioned to think of MBA as the road to guts and glory. The Southie dad would usually say “Twenty Seven percent of all the beatings that you received this month are for misbehaving. Find the percentage increase… Well!!You get the point.

So after graduation, the poor kid prepares for CAT. He studies throughout the year missing dates, movies and pubs. Unfortunately, studies do not leave a lot of time for having a social life. It’s even more difficult when the already existing girlfriend is given DI logic cases to be solved to find the name of the movie theatre where the shows have been booked. I would love to show you a question but am afraid that you would stop reading the post. Our Southie hero diligently solves Quant problems, reads RC’s and finds the solutions to DI cases. This is his Quantum of Solace.

Finally on d–day the Southie kid gets up early in the morning. After a quick bath and a small prayer, he gets his daily dose of exercises by falling at the feet of his parents, uncles, aunties and anyone old enough to bless him. He then calls up his grandparents in Palakkad to get their blessing. His granny has no clue about the Common Admission Test and is constantly worried about his predilection with belling the cat. Can’t he get a better hobby, she wonders.

After this, begins breakfast. Obviously he can’t go to the exam hall on an empty stomach so in go a dozen or so idlis. He decides to dress well just in case he comes across a pretty girl. He wears his super – cool low waist jeans and his favorite check shirt. Armed with enough pencils to build a small raft, the Southie kid is out of the house by 7 AM lest Rahu Kaal affects his performance. He is the only person to reach the center by 7.30 AM for a test that begins at 10 AM (unless there are other Southies).

His mother has also told him to watch out for some good omens on the road. For example: Watching a funeral procession coming from the opposite side is supposed to bring good luck. Well, not for the dead guy obviously.

As the students begin to fill in, he quickly scans the class room for a pretty damsel in need of a pencil. But alas, no such luck. Soon the test begins. He smartly navigates through the paper thanking his father when he arrives at the Quant section. Soon the test is over and our Southie kid is hoping to get into one of India’s top B – schools.

Once the exam is over, the mother takes over. She goes to various temples offering archanas and pujas to various gods. The Southie kid gets roped in for added effect. She offers 101 coconuts in exchange for her boy getting a seat in a good MBA college.

Finally comes the day when the results are announced. There is a lot of tension and the entire family sits around the computer while the Southie kid opens up the IIM webpage. He finds out that he has been selected. He refreshes the page to see if the information is true. It is! The family is overjoyed. Only GD & PI to go!

Soon the Southie kid is on his way to managing Katrina’s assets (You perverts!! I meant the stocks and bonds).

Pssst: If you liked this post and your dad is the dean of a good MBA college, please recommend my name. Others please send some money. MBA is expensive.

I was asked a question on Mutiny whether Mumbai really belongs to the Maharashtrians. The post is called ‘Exposing the Lies of the self-styled Marathi messiahs’ and 1conoclast has done a pretty good job of logically negating this claim.

Personally, I feel that the claim itself is not as important as the factors that force people to make such a statement.

To understand why Maharashtrians are claiming ownership over Mumbai requires us to take a closer look at the various classes of people living in Maharashtra. Infact, the classes essentially remain same all across India.

1. The stinking rich guys

They have plenty of money. Money empowers them and offers them multiple avenues to be successful all over the world, let alone India and Maharashtra.

2. The middle class

That’s people who are essentially empowered by education. Education gives us the confidence to not confine ourselves to a particular region. Hence an educated person can go to any other part of the country and earn a living without any hesitation.

3. The people just above or close to the poverty line

This includes people who are living a hand to mouth living in the cities and in the rural areas. This is the biggest segment in India’s social order. Now this segment does not have any avenues already available to them. Neither are they empowered by education to explore other places in the country.

If a rich or a middle class Maharashtrian argues that Mumbai belongs to Maharashtrians then it’s absurd. But if a poor guy offers the same argument then we need to look for the reasons behind it.

There are 2 issues at play here (keep in mind I am continuously referring to the poor in Maharashtra).

1. An already established precedent

Migration is not a one off event wherein a person simply gets up one day and decides to go to another state to make a living. There has to be an already established precedent where people have successfully migrated to a particular part of the country. Notice how most of the migration actually takes place only in Mumbai and not too much in Pune or Nashik.

So, if a person from Orissa (am specifically not referring to UP’ites or Biharis lest you would think I am a racist) actually decides to come to Mumbai without any hesitation to make a living, it’s because there are several others who have done it before him. The same applies to people from all parts of the country for whom Mumbai opens up another door if there are none present in their respective states.

But a Maharashtrian who is close to the poverty line does not know of any other place where he can migrate except Mumbai. This is because traditionally there has been no large scale Maharashtrian migration to other parts of the country. When he comes here to Mumbai, he finds himself in the midst of people from other places all vying for his job. He gets scared; feels insecure. And from here stems the entire argument about Mumbai belonging to the Marathi Manoos.

This will hold true even if there is a hypothetical situation where Bhuvaneshwar is as developed as Mumbai and Maharashtra has no place like Mumbai at all. In this case, there would be migration to Orissa instead. It’s pretty safe to assume Maharashtrians would also be part of the migrant population heading towards Orissa. Obviously the people of Orissa would be vocal about giving opportunities to the locals first.

2. Fear

Because there is no established precedent, the poor in Maharahstra will have a psychological fear of migrating to other parts of the country and would much rather stay put here. It’s this fear which is being exploited by the politicians. Also, the other problem being that there are actually not as lot of cities that offer the same opportunities as Mumbai.

Again, this fear would also play in the minds of the poor residing in and around the hypothetically developed city of Bhuvaneshwar. You see, we are all the same. So our reactions to such situations will be similar.

So guys, don’t blame the poor Maharashtrain on the roads of Mumbai for wanting to reserve jobs. Do not think of him as being racist or arrogant. We must all understand that there is fear and insecurity masked behind the claim.

The same attitude by the rich and middle class cannot be tolerated. But we need to ensure that the poor in Maharashtra are empowered enough to compete with everyone else or enable them to understand that there are multiple avenues all across India. Perhaps then the claim of Mumbai belonging to Maharashtrians will be automatically dropped.

To,
Goddess Lakshmi,
Heaven

Dear Goddess,

I am one of your humble devotees who is in desperate need of your help. I have been a good boy all year long and my house is super clean. I know that being a good boy is a pre-requisite with Santa but I need urgent help and can’t wait till Christmas.

Let me start from the beginning. Perhaps you will understand what I am going through and bless me. Last Diwali, around this time, everyone was chanting your name and going gaga over the stock market. Everyone thought that you had blessed India and was sure that they would make money if invested in the market. People like me who had no clue about investing got tempted to invest in the market.

Soon, I registered myself with a broker, read a book on tips for investing (read the first four pages, rest of it was too boring), understood basic terms like bears and bulls and started investing in the market. I made Rs. 500 the day I invested Rs.15000 in the market. I was very sincere, told myself that I would not invest anymore till my earnings equal my investments. (I know it sounds ridiculous now but back then when the Sensex was up by 3000 points in two trading sessions, everyone thought that this was possible.)

The market was simply amazing. I actually thought that it’s better to play in the market than work in the office. How naïve?? (Just in case you were wondering, I didn’t quit. Thankfully!!!)

Continue Reading »

Whenever we talk about good comedy serials, inevitably it’s Friends that is rated as the funniest serial ever. While I do agree that ‘Friends’ was quite popular, I am not sure if it indeed was the funniest serial ever.

The last 15 years might have produced some of the best comedy serials ever. In the US, while Simpsons and Southpark ruled the animated roosts, there were many like 3rd Rock from the Sun and Seinfeld which were equally popular.

Then came a host of other serials like Home Improvement, That 70’s Show, Will & Grace, Arrested Development, Dharma & Greg, The King of Queens, Still Standing, Yes Dear, Grounded For Life and Becker. All of them were quite different from one another and never failed to tickle you funny bone. The Drew Carey Show was perhaps one of the earliest stand-up comedy shows to be aired as a regular feature on TV.

But the two serials that were probably a notch above everyone else were Everybody Loves Raymond and Frasier. Everybody Loves Raymond with its dysfunctional family, which included a pampered and successful son (Raymond), a nagging and uptight wife (Debra), a mother who would always only approve of Raymond (Marie), the father who was forever irritated and hungry (Frank) and a brother who always tried to get the attention of his mother (Robert) simply stole the limelight. I still remember Debra telling a psychiatrist that when she married Raymond, she did not inherit a family. She got an entire freak show which camped their tent on the opposite side if the road. Simply amazing!!

Equally funny was Frasier with the eccentric doctor (Frasier), his equally eccentric brother (Niles), the retired ex – cop father (Martin), the British caretaker (Daphne) and the loveable terrier (Eddie). The creativity, dialogues, screenplay and almost everything about these two shows made them stand apart from the rest.

Across the Atlantic, in UK there were serials like Absolute Power, Goodness Gracious Me, Coupling and Are You Being Served that gave us a taste of Brit Comedy.

Back home, there have not been many funny serials that have really captured our imagination. The few notable exceptions remain Dekh Bhai Dekh, Flop Show, Tu Tu Main Main and Hum Paanch.

Jaspal Bhatti’s Flop Show has stood out till date. Audiences could relate with the issues that he would highlight using comedy as a medium. One on the most memorable episodes was one where Mr. Bhatti and his wife organize a ‘pooja’ as they had got a telephone connection. Those were the times when getting a telephone meant a wait of over 6 years. Soon the entire colony was using their phone. This included women who wanted to chit chat with each other to lovers who wanted to marry each other. The jokes were simple and sweet.

Even Hum Paanch with Ashok Saraf trying to handle his two wives (one dead and the other alive) and his 5 daughters (each one could not have been more different from the other) was quite good. The writers had a lot of space for creativity with such a large cast and used them perfectly.

Recently, a couple of stand up comedies The Great Indian Comedy Challenge and Comedy Circus have been quite successful. They have also been able to unearth previously unknown talents. They have also provided us with a man whose boisterous laughter still reverberates in all our ears (not required really, was he? :-D).

But unlike the west, we have struggled to create interesting and long running comedy serials. The main reason for this is the lack of good scripts. Writers are unable to come up with interesting and quirky characters who would be able to create an impression in the minds of the viewers.

Another reason could be the moral restrictions on the type of content that could be aired on television. While the earlier Indian comedies were quite “clean” in nature, sex and sleaze was always embraced by comedies abroad. Double meaning jokes were ample and beautifully blended in the scripts. This is not to say that these two are absolutely necessary to create a funny show but it does help while writing the script. But now, perhaps with the judges in the stand up comedy serials rolling with laughter mostly on “dirty” jokes, it’s time for script writers to realize that Indian audiences have probably matured enough to laugh at such jokes.

The third reason could be our fixation with family dramas. No other genre has stunted the growth of Indian Television as much as family dramas (read Saas Bahu serials). Every channel airs the same irritating story with someone or the other plotting to usurp the family property or kill the present ‘bahu’ and get a new one.

Let’s hope that producers realize that Indians need good comedy serials cropping up which target audiences of all ages and make us laugh. With all the problems we are facing right now, we could all do with a good laugh.

I write this article even as Raj Thackeray shuttles from one courthouse to another. Raj has shown that he exerts considerable influence in Maharashtra even if he is not as powerful as his uncle and Shiv Sena supremo Bal Thackeray.  

Many suburbs of Mumbai gripped with fear, are anxious about the political fallout of his arrest. There is heaps of criticism across all media channels; some calling him “Goonda” Raj while others quoting his actions as mindless. There are even calls to ban the Maharashtra Navnirman Sena.  

It is not very difficult to understand the motives behind Raj’s vociferous stance for reserving 80% of the low level jobs for Maharahstrians. With the elections coming up, there ain’t many issues which can generate as much publicity and sympathy as championing the rights of your Maharashtrian brothers and sisters.  

Raj has invoked a new sense of identity in the masses. I was recently in Pune, which in spite of its cosmopolitan status largely remains a Maratha heartland. I overheard a group of Maharashtrians asking the waiter to get the menu card printed in Marathi else they would complain to the MNS. More than the sense of shock at such an outrageous demand, I was awed by the sort of response Raj’s “Me Marathi” campaign has generated. The time spent in jail will only increase his voter base rather than reduce it!

When the MNS was established, everyone cheered as they felt that Raj would be a refreshing change for Maharashtra’s political fortunes. He exudes ample charisma, has fantastic oratorical skills and is definately more popular than Udhav (his cousin). 

I feel that in spite of his recent antics, the people of Maharashtra should vote for him when elections come calling. If the MNS does come into power, they would undeniably focus on development and progress rather than these futile pursuits of driving the North Indians away. After all, to stay in power would require them to do a lot more then simply try to protect 4^th grade jobs in Maharashtra.  

Even when Shiv Sena was in power during their tie up with the BJP led coalition, I doubt if they ever tried to flare up regional issues. Its only when they lost massively that they tried to attract the Marathi voters through various other means. 

Every party in India tries to get its votes either on the basis of religion or caste. Is it any surprise that the MNS has added a regional twist to it?  

Indians have voted for so many candidates even after alleged links to massive public scandals: Shibu Soren has come into power after being sentenced to life by a Delhi court, Laloo Prasad Yadav has come into power after the fodder scam, Narendra Modi has swept into power after Godhra.

Give Raj a chance. The guy is eager to prove himself. Maharashtra only stands to gain from him.

Here I was happily criss-crossing puddles of water, dodging potholes and trying very hard to make it to office on time. Traffic is a killer. Vehicles are at a standstill. At every signal when the light turns green, people choose to display their happiness by honking as loudly as possible. Some experts even compose songs. Its almost as if there is an orgasmic pleasure in honking even when there absolutely no reason to do so. The caption on the car ahead reads “Honk If Horny”. Perfect, I thought.

However, none of these affect me. I bravely marched forth on my 100 cc motorbike. Then I met this smoke belching metallic monster. I got stuck behind a Goods Carrier spewing enough toxic fumes to make everyone around it gasp for clean air. With nowhere to move I had to inhale carbon monoxide for a good 10 minutes. This really got me angry. Traffic, noise, crazed drivers I can put up with. But why should I be breathing carbon monoxide, sulphur dioxide and myriad other carcinogens from a vehicle, which should not be allowed on the roads at all.

Vehicular pollution is a serious issue in India. The problems caused due to it are numerous. I do not wish to rant on about the many diseases that air pollution causes as simply thinking about them makes me want to get my life insured.

The PUC system in our country is a sham. Anyone and everyone who drives a vehicle obtains a PUC without any hassles. I may not have any experience in obtaining a PUC for a truck or a rickshaw but the last time I got a PUC for my motorbike I was charged Rs.40 and given a PUC without even checking if the emissions were over the present standards. I know that a similar practice exists for cars too. Continue Reading »

Sunday is an ideal day to read the newspaper. On weekdays we generally take a glance at most of the headlines and casually forget about it as we get on with our lives. However, Sunday offers you the freedom to read the entire paper, digest all the information given and ponder upon the various issues. That’s what I did this Sunday when I read the Times of India. The following issues were quite unique in nature and are worth mentioning on this site.

The BJP Businessmen:

Now here is some food for thought. The BJP has doctored a unique way to highlight inflation. I must admit that it is quite creative. No Bandhs, no Morchas, no Bhook Hartals and no Rasta Rokho Andholans. All these are so passé.

Party members in Goa are selling coconuts, onions and pamoline oil at a rate drastically lower then the market price. What is that? How much cheaper you ask?

Given below are the comparative rates at which these goods are offered by the BJP and their actual market price.

BJP Price - Market Price

Rs. 4 - Rs. 7 (Onions )

Rs. 4 - Rs. 10 (Coconuts)

Rs. 54 - Rs. 60/65 (Pamoline Oil)

Senior BJP leader and former chief minister Manohar Parrikar has said that the party is selling these commodities on a no profit no loss basis. This strategy is winning the BJP lots of brownie points among the people although the traders are quite agitated over the entire issue.

Wow! These guys are really committed to getting back into power. In fact political parties all across the country are willing to go to great lengths to obtain or retain power. Be it then free electricity to all the farmers (thank you so much for the huge power shortages) or free televisions to all the people below the poverty line (mind you it’s a colour TV). How I wish a fraction of these politicians would actually be motivated in serving the larger interests of the masses. Continue Reading »